Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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