Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I did not marry a roomba.
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