Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
The struggles of a small town man whore
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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