is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
