The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
