I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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