Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
