She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
