I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
