Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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