Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
