I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
