i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
