I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
