remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
