I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
