Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
He better not be in your backpack
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
