I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
