i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
