it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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