Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
