I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
