I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
