I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
too bad you live with your parents still
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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