As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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