Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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