She announced her abortion via fbk
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
