he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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