I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Where are you guys?
Drunk
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
