I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Of course I have a pirate flag
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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