I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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