Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
