It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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