I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
