please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
