I wish you could order shots online.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
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