you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
