he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
