Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
