Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Blood and glitter go together right?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
