you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
