peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
