i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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