butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
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