I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
