hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
