drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
as a side note pls kill me
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
