peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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