Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
