I'm so fucking centered right now
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
