1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Boobs are out for the taking
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
