Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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