So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
