I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
