Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
