you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Sorry my hands just texted you
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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