Buhtt sex?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
