i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
