i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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