turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Randomize
