I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Randomize
