Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Can I color on your dick again?
Vodka?
Forever.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Randomize