I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
